


Hold On

by suallenparker



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, Philinda - Freeform, Philinda Secret Summer, Smut, philinda hot stuff, post 1x22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-11
Updated: 2014-06-11
Packaged: 2018-02-04 06:13:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1768627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suallenparker/pseuds/suallenparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Melinda finds Phil carving the signs on the wall. They seek comfort in each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold On

Touching him was a slippery slope. Not that she ever allowed herself any leisure. But still. Whenever she allowed herself to touch his arm or his shoulder or the back of his neck, she immediately wanted more. To kiss him, to feel his skin instead of just his clothes, to undress him. To sleep with him.

When he touched her, it was worse.

So usually she restrained her touching to situations where he needed it. When she could calm him with her touch.

But this, she holding his arm while they walked to his room, this was for her. She was very aware of that and still she couldn’t bring herself to pull away. It was not like he needed her grip to steady him. His body was fine. Simmons had made a full check up. But his mind …

Two hours ago Melinda had found him in one of the storage rooms, wearing a black t shirt and sweatpants, his feet bare. He had held a metal knife in his hand, carving patterns into a wall. Two of the walls were already covered. She wondered if he would’ve covered the whole room, if she hadn’t found him.

He hadn’t noticed her at first, she had to say his name three times. She had to place her hand on his shoulder.

“I see them everywhere,” he had said.

Her stomach was in knots since then.

It had started. And they weren’t ready at all. She would never be ready for this. Watching him love somebody else, yes. Watching him be happy without being able to touch, yes. But never to watch him die. Never to lose him. Breathing got hard.

Instead of putting in an extra Tai Chi routine like she had planned, she had woken up Simmons. After Simmons had ran various tests on Phil, she had told them that they should get some rest. So Melinda had taken Phil’s arm and now they were here, outside of his room, in front of his door. Touching his bare arm felt good, but gosh, he looked so vulnerable without his uniform.

He opened the door and together they went in. He switched on the lights, she closed the door. She didn’t want to leave him. This was the first time she was in here. His room was as big as hers and just as empty. A bed, nightstand, a closet, a big desk, an office chair, a sofa. No windows but a second door that must lead to his bathroom.

“You can let go of me now,” Phil said. He sounded so very tired. His face was pale.

“I can’t.” She squeezed his arm. “I won’t.”

As if she’d have a choice. She pressed her lips together. She wouldn’t survive losing him. She barely had the last time and it had only been little more over an hour between they had told her that Phil had died and until Fury had called her to say that he wouldn’t allow that death to stick.

Truth was, she needed _him_ to steady _her_. She loved him so much.

Phil moved and she loosened her grip enough for him to pull free. She wanted to hold on to him so much. She wanted to hug him, to be surrounded by him, to never leave him. So silly. So sad.

Her eyes burned. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to beg him not to die. As if he’d have a choice.

He pulled his arm away from hers, but just to place his hand on her hip. He shifted until he stood in front of her. They didn’t lose contact even for a second.

“Melinda …” Her name sounded like a plea coming from his lips.

He took a breath and she brought her hands up to hold on to the lapels of his suit. He exhaled. His arms wrapped around her waist and she leaned into him.

“I’m scared,” he whispered into her hair.

She nestled against him. “I’m scared, too.”

She pressed her lips against his neck. His hands splayed over her back and he held her tighter. She wished this would be as easy as catching another enemy. She wished she could fight someone for his life. She wished she could protect him.

He kissed the top of her head. “I’m not ready to die,” he whispered.

She lifted her head and brought her hands up to cradle his face. He was desperate, too.

“I won’t let anything happen to you,” she said. For him, she’d fight the world.

He pressed his lips together. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“I won’t let go.” She kissed his cheek. He sighed. She kissed his cheek again. He turned his head and kissed her mouth. His lips were soft. She needed him so much. She wanted to cry. She wanted to kiss him back. She wanted to feel him everywhere.

Gently, he sucked on her bottom lip. An act of desperation. If she wouldn’t be so desperate herself, she’d stop him. She’d be his friend. But she needed him and for once he was actually within her reach.

Life was so unfair.

She kissed him back, moved her lips softly against his. He deepened their kiss. He tasted her first. He moved his hands over her body slowly, her back, her sides, her ass, her thighs.

“Yes,” she mumbled against his mouth. She wanted him so damn much. He kissed her deeper.

They pulled away to take off his shirt. She kissed his scar, he stroked her hair. She ran her hands over his chest. He massaged her ass and pressed his hips into hers. He was hard, she could feel him against her thigh. She wanted to tell him she loved him. Instead she kissed his throat.

He kissed her bare shoulder, his hands grabbed the hem of her sports top and pulled it upwards. She lifted her arms for him. When he dropped the cloth on the floor, she got rid of her bra. He groaned. She loved how he looked at her. Like it was her whom he wanted. Like they were the only two people in this room. In this world. He buried his hands in her hair and kissed her. She pressed her chest against his. Skin against skin. He groaned again. His hands glided over her neck and her shoulders, down her upper arms to her ribs. He brushed his thumbs over the sides of her breasts and she keened. He smiled against her lips and did it again.

She loved him so much. He kissed her chin, her neck, her collar bones. The swell of her breasts. When he took a nipple in his mouth and sucked gently, she moaned his name. He moved his right hand down her rib cage and over her stomach. His left hand moved to her back and held her to him. She shivered under his touch. Gosh, she wanted him. His mouth followed his hands, kissing her skin. He sank to his knees and kissed her belly button. She had to support herself with her hands on his shoulders. Her knees were weak. He looked up to her and smiled. He kissed the skin above the hem of her leggings.

“Yes,” she whispered. She needed him inside of her. She was already wet.

He moved his hands to her hips, his thumbs caressing the skin above her pants. He kissed her belly button again, before he moved his hands down her legs. Leaning his forehead against her stomach, he took off her shoes and socks. She stroked his hair, his neck, his shoulders. She loved him so much. She swallowed the words.

Together they took of her pants and panties. He grabbed her hips again and kissed her stomach. She pulled him up by his shoulders and he let go of her. For a moment, he looked worried, but as soon as she pressed her mouth against his, his hands returned to her body. He massaged her hips, her lower back, her ass. She moved a hand between their bodies and he groaned her name, when she cupped his cock through the fabric of his sweat pants. They worked together again, kissing and nibbling at each other, until they both were naked.

She moaned as his hot erection grazed her stomach. She needed him! Slowly, they moved until they fell on his bed, she landed on top of him. He cradled her face and kissed her, while she rubbed herself against his leg. Sitting up, she straddled him and took his cock in her hand. When she tried to guide him inside of her, he caught her wrist.

“Wait,” he panted, “not like this.”

Her heart broke. This was wrong, wasn’t it? But she wanted him so much. She was so close. He let go of her wrist and put his hand on her hip, before he turned sideways to the nightstand. It was when he pulled open the drawer, that she finally understood what he meant. He took out a condom. He wanted her. He wanted this. But he wanted to protect them too. She loved him.

She reached out and covered his hand with hers as she leaned down and kissed him. She loved him so very much. She took the condom from his hand and unwrapped it. He took her face in his hands. Still kissing him, she moved her hands between their bodies and wrapped the condom over his hot cock. He hissed and kissed her deeper.

This time, he didn’t stop her when she guided him inside of her. She rode him slow as he kissed her. She wanted to cherish this, cherish him. When he started bucking up against her, she quickened the pace. He grabbed her hips and pulled her harder against him, adding pressure to her clitoris. She came with a gasp that he swallowed as he spilled himself inside of her.

During all of this he hadn’t said her name once. Probably because she wasn’t the woman he was thinking of.

  
  


o0o

  
  


He woke up and she was gone. So he got up and got dressed and started his day like usual. What else was he to do?

Maybe if circumstances were different, he’d go looking for her. He’d convince her to come back to bed. He’d tell her he’d love her. He loved her so much. One more thing he could cross off his bucket list. Making love to Melinda May.

He hated this. He missed her so much.

Maybe if they were different people, she’d like to hear him say it. Maybe she’d kiss him again. Maybe she’d love him too. Maybe she wouldn’t have left.

But she had and he wouldn’t take that choice away from her. Clinging to her would only make her leave further. He had seen this with her other affairs. Because that was what he was now, right? Just sex.

The way she had looked him last night … How she had kissed him. How she had moved under his touch … When he had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder and her arm around his chest, he had believed she’d stay. That she needed him too.

Obviously he had been mistaken. Maybe he hadn’t been careful enough.

He had tried so hard not to attach any strings. He had kept his mouth shut. Maybe he had betrayed himself anyway. Maybe he should’ve kissed her less, touched her less eager, let go faster … But he couldn’t regret any of it.

He was such a fool.

He loved her. He had nothing to offer to her. No hope to convince her that she should give them a chance, that he could make her happy, that he could – His life had fallen apart and his brain seemed to follow suit.

A long time ago he had dreamed about them. Silly dreams about sharing a life with her. Somehow he had shared his life with her, hadn’t he? Just not in the way he had hoped. Just phone calls. She had been happy for him when he found Audrey. And he had thought they were friends. He had been brilliant at forging false memories even before TAHITI. He hadn’t even thought about his feelings for her. He had just called her every week, sometimes twice.

Like that would mean nothing.

Stupid.

He had wasted so much time living in denial.

He loved her so much.

She avoided being alone with him all day. Whenever he saw her, she was with another team-member. And she didn’t look at him. Not even when she talked. She looked at everybody else, but him.

This was worse than seeing the darn patterns around him all the time.

Eventually, he found her alone in the hanger, leaning over a car with its hood opened and with her hands in the insides of it.

He stopped at the door. He’d need more then three steps to get to her side. He didn’t dare to get any closer. He wanted to touch her too much. He wanted to beg her.

Life was so unfair. But she was his friend and he didn’t want to lose her. He was afraid she might run.

“You can stop,” he said.

She didn’t even glance at him. “We need this fixed by tomorrow.”

“No.” He sighed. “I mean, you can stop avoiding me.”

As if she wouldn’t know that. She pulled out from under the hood and cleaned her hands with a rag she took from a tool drawer next to the car. The muscles of her arms flexed and he wanted to trail them with kisses. He hadn’t been able to do that last night. There were still so many spots on her body he hadn’t kissed yet.

He hid his hands behind his back. “I’m not expecting anything, Melinda. I know last night was …” It wasn’t a mistake. He couldn’t say that. “I have no idea what it was but there are no strings,” he said.

Finally, she looked at him. Her face was blank.

He swallowed. “We’re good. I’m grateful you were there for me and –“ He shrugged.

She put away the rag and crossed the distance between them. Probably to walk out the door. To leave him behind again.

He stepped in her way. “I need you.”

She stared at him.

“Please,” he whispered and touched her arm. He loved her so.

Her features softened and she took a breath. She had the most wonderful eyes. She opened her mouth a little and he wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to taste her.

Then her right hand grabbed his tie and pulled him towards her. Her left hand cupped the back of his head and her lips moved over his mouth. She pressed her body against his. It was perfect. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her back. Gosh, yes. He had wanted to do this all day.

Her tongue traced the seam of his lips, so he opened up to her. She tasted wonderful. He ran his hands over her back, her naked arms, her thighs. Her hands moved to unbutton his suit jacket. He wanted her now. He wanted her to say his name. He wanted to be inside her. He wanted her to be his. He grabbed her ass and pulled her against him. He was already half erect. She keened when he kissed her throat.

“Phil.” Her voice was heavy with desire.

Good, because he felt the same. He nibbled at her throat.

“Yes,” she uttered, “Phil. Phil. Phil!” The last one didn’t sound like the others. Melinda pressed her hands against his chest.

“Gosh, I’m so sorry!” a familiar voice exclaimed behind him. “My apologies!”

He lifted his mouth from her skin and moved his hands from Melinda’s ass to her lower back. “Simmons?”

“She left,” Melinda said dryly.

“Damn.”

She sighed. “What are we doing, Phil?” Her hands smoothed down the lapels of his now opened jacket. He took that as a good sign. At least she wasn’t getting away from him.

He waited until their gazes met. “Did you sleep with me because I’m going insane?” he asked

“No.” The word came short and sharp. “Do you want me or just someone to hold on to?” she asked.

He shook his head. “You’re the only one I ever held on to. Everybody else I can let go. Not you.” He swallowed. “This is whatever you want to be. This goes as far as you want it to go.” If she wanted just sex from him, he’d give her that.

She looked at her hands. “I love you.”

“What?”

She started playing with his tie. “I love you.”

His heart was racing. He felt dizzy. “Are you saying that because I’m going insane?”

She looked at him. “No.”

He took a breath. And another one. “I love you, too,” he said and rubbed her back.

“Are you saying that because you’re going insane?”

“Because it’s true.”

She moved her hands up his chest on to his shoulders. “What now?”

“Can I tell Simmons you’re my girlfriend?”

“You’re serious.” She raised a brow.

“Yes.” Labels were silly and old school and all that, but so was he. He wanted something certain. He wanted strings. He wanted it all.

She took a breath. “Okay.”

“You love me?” he asked like an idiot. He felt light headed.

“Yes.” No hesitation there.

He smiled. “You really do.”

“You’re being silly.” She squeezed his shoulders.

His smile brightened. “I’m happy. You make me happy.”

“I do?” He hated that she sounded surprised.

“Yes, you do.” He kissed her lips gently and she smiled too.

“You make me very happy.” He kissed her again. “I love you.” He loved telling her that. He loved how she leaned into him. Her hands caressed his neck. He wouldn’t let go of this.


End file.
